[25M] Confused and Scared, Recently Engaged


I'm a 25M and I've been really struggling over the last few months with sexuality. I recently got engaged at the beginning of this year and I've been feeling a lot of anxiety since then-- It all started around the time my fiance told me about a story where a married man realized he was gay later in life and left his wife for a man, and I thought "Oh God, what if that happens to me?".For some reason, I couldn't brush this thought off, and I began checking and testing myself over and over to make sure I was attracted to women and not to men. I scoured my past for all the people I've ever found attractive. The thing is, I think I may have realized I'm not as straight as I once thought I was.I've had plenty of strong crushes on girls throughout my life, none on boys. When I was growing up, all the porn I watched was of girls, and I really only had sexual attractions to girls. I've slept with two women in my life and really enjoyed the experiences, I've never had anything sexual with men. I frequently have sex with my fiance, and I enjoy it. I love her very much, and we had a full year of full-on infatuation/limerence before settling into a more comfortable, safe kind of love, and I've definitely been completely infatuated with several girls throughout my life.The thing is, when I've been looking back, I've realized that I can get turned on by guys too, and maybe even had a preference to watch them at times-- I would prefer to watch male gymnastics during the olympics, liked watching the anime "Free" to look at the characters, and would sometimes masturbate to yaoi or images of ripped shirtless guys on tumblr, or to male versions of my fetishes (peeing, giants, hentai), or pick porn videos based on the guy rather than the girl. Over the past year, I was using this materiel more and more often, maybe even more than straight porn or lesbian porn (which also turn me on).I would be okay telling myself that Im bisexual, but what really worries me is that over the last few months (while this all came up), I think I've lost a lot of attraction to females and even to my fiance-- I don't have the same sexual drive as I did before, and this worries me that I've suddenly become completely gay or have been gay my whole life an have never known it (which would be terrible because I'm engaged now). I'm not sure if its possible to have a sudden, permanent switch in sexuality, and it may be more likely that the anxiety and constant checking is putting me out of a sexual mood, and that the Cipralex I'm on is decreasing my sexual drive. I've shared my anxieties with my fiance and she says she doesn't care if I'm attracted to men as long as I'm still attracted to her and want to be with her. Open relationship is definitely off the table, and I really don't think I even want to explore other people (male or female).I've even gone so far as to make a list of everyone I've ever been attracted to in my life, but in a way it scares me more because I don't have the same attraction to the females on my list as I once did. -Female Crushes Real Life: 11 -Other Females Real Life/TV/Movies I found Attractive: 73 -Animated Girls I found Attractive: 28 -Male Crushes Real Life: 0 -Other Males Real Life/TV/Movies I found Attractive: 32 -Animated Males I found Attractive: 41TLDR: Engaged, anxiety over being gay, do you think my attraction and sexual desire towards females will come back? via /r/questioning https://ift.tt/2GPU8rv

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