I hate being a sexual person


I’m a 19 year old straight male. I discovered masturbation when I was about 12 years old. When I was about 14 I developed an addiction to rule 34/hentai/fanfiction stuff. Basically porn of fictional characters. This was my first really negative experience with sexuality. I hated how I had taken characters and stories that meant a lot to me and weren’t supposed to be sexual and had ruined them by sexualising them. I was also exposed to a lot of fetish stuff through this and that really disgusted me.Eventually I was able to stop myself looking at that stuff, but it still affected me. I felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself and I kept getting intrusive thoughts about fictional characters and sometimes even real people that I knew in sexual situations. This legitimately caused me to become depressed as I thought I would have this shame forever and I’d never be able to forgive myself for the things that I had looked at. I started using more “normal” porn, but I found even that bothered me and I still found myself getting disgusted with myself for using it. During school, I found plenty of girls attractive and I would fantasise about and masturbate to them, but I never had any romantic feelings for any of them and I certainly never had any form of sexual contact with any of them.Eventually I was able to stop looking at porn altogether and I haven’t looked at it in over two years, but sexuality still really bothers me. I hate having sexual urges and feeling like I'm not in control of my own thoughts when I’m sexually aroused. I hate how sexual thoughts make me objectify people. I hate how much time I waste either masturbating or trying to resist sexual urges. Although I guess I still find masturbation kind of pleasurable, I also find it disgusting. I hate the smell and the mess it makes and I hate that I feel the urge to do it when I really don’t want to. I hate still having the urge to watch porn even though I know how badly it will affect me. I hate having sexual thoughts about people from school who I will never see again and just want to forget about.I’m no longer depressed and for the most part I’m really happy and comfortable with who I am, but this still really bothers me. I genuinely feel like my sexual urges are holding me back as a person and I’d be so much happier without them. Although I do kind like the idea of having a romantic relationship and I don’t think I’d have a problem having sex in a relationship, I don’t really care that much and I’m perfectly happy by myself. There are just so many things in my life that are more important to me than sex and sometimes I honestly wish I was asexual. Sexuality has brought me nothing but frustration and disgust and I feel like I’d be better off without it. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/2H6fO2u

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