I have no life

I used to have a life when I still went to school (im in 10th, havent been going to school in over a month) I used to have "school friends" so friends that i would talk to at school, and i used to spend my free time at the public library, to study but mostly i would slack off and just browse the internet for hours. What i am trying to say is. I have no life. And its been this way for years. Bad habit? Yes. I know. Do i want to break this habit? Well, of course, I have goals like everyone else, but i have done next to nothing effort to do anything about it. So right now, it's 7:10 am, my mom is expecting me to go to school, I want to, of course, i need my education, and if i dint even pass 10th grade year, that just means im retarded lol. I guess I just need human companionship, i am weird, irl i am the most socially awkward person you will ever meet. For some reason some people like me. For whatever reason. But anyways I resort to reddit and stupid social media apps like instagram to cure my loneliness. All i really want is human companionship. Someone to draw with, someone to watch movies with. It feels like its too late. Everybody I meet already has their own group/circle of friends while I am here, a loner. I find myself spending weekends all alone. And its hard. I went to a psych unit and met 3 friends. And I know outside of the unit, (I got discharged recently) i wont be able to hang out with anyone. I'm way too much of a loser, and the only thing i am actually good at is listening to music, singing, and daydreaming about writing my own songs, and playing instruments (I have a piano, havent played in years) i like video games, im not very good at them, I still like them (I have a pc) but so far the only game I have found fun is playing pubg mobile. It's not too bad being a loner, it's just hard sometimes. I am a hopeless romantic, but even the incels of reddit will never date me. Besides, im too scared to date. I dated irl before, it was just terrible. I felt used, but that's okay, I dont have grudges, and plus the guys I dated were good people, just emotionaly unstable. And, well, their IQ is.... Very... Low.... But I'm a hyprocrite bc i am retarded myself. I mean, I can't even wake up, get dressee and go to school. I can barely leave the house to buy food, well any more at least. What's wrong with me? Well according to doctors and therapists I am normal. Just depressed. And i am stuck in a weird cycle of self pity. Of course if I spend all my time on Reddit, trying to find friends and human companionship, or even Craigslist.. I cant make friends with other people my age, bc well. Like I said, i have no life. The only thing I want to do is to be able to do something with anyone. As a young child I had no friends either. The only time that I got to be around other kids was school daycare, and a few times i got to hang out with one of the neighborhood kids, and I went to her house. Good memories. I was around 5. I remember some of it. Life sucks, yes, and it is weird to post on reddit, it just means I'm too scared to go back to the real world if I basically live on reddit. Right now my mom is persuading me to go to school, since she literally has no control over me anymore. I'm 16, I want a education. I want to move out of here. I live in Renton/Seattle, and well, being the asian american I am, it going to be hard to meet new people. What do people here even like? Anime? Hentai? Seahawks? Nascar? Lmfao? I just like music (r &b and alternative, etc, i like all music) I like games, i like art,i Like to dance (although i literally dont know how to) I like self defense and martial arts, but i dont have anyone to teach me, ao i guess i will have to teach myself somehow. Sigh. I dont want to ruin my life like this. It sucks. It really, really does. And i want to cry. I dont want to go back to the psych unit though, it's boring there, I guess, i met some new people, I mingled with the autistic miss (i have autism myself) fun experience, but i spent most of my time there reading or playing with legos. I made three friends there, but even so i still had a very hard to making conversations with people. (I'm retarded when it comes to social situations) people like me though,.... Being the female I am. (Sometimes being a girl is a advantage, i guess. People are more nicer?) Sigh... I dont expect to get anyone to comment, but maybe if you would like to give me advice that would be nice. You can try, if you would like. And I appreciate it a lot. I do. But I am just a retarded female autistic teen. I am gullible, and worthless. I might as well be like those Thailand girls that are forced into sex trafficking. (This isint a joke, and i know what i said is messed up) but it's true. I am worthless. I might as well get beat up and raped in a alley. I'm just a stupid internet troll. I'm supposed to be like other girls my age, and I would love to be like that. I want to be accepted. I want to make friends that are my age, i want to be able to be friend other girls (asian or not it doesnt matter I'm not racist) but I can't. I'm too weird. At this point i dont care if someone mugs me on the streets, drugs me and rapes me, then throwing my lifeless body down the ocean. I wouldn't be able to fight back anyways. I'm weak. I have no self defense skills. (Would i like to be raped? Like would i enjoy it?) Of course I wouldn't. Nobody enjoys rape. It,s scary, violent, uncomfortable, painful, and honestly it I was raped, then I would be very suicidal, Lmfao, and i wpuld need so much therapy, my life wiuld be fucked over. And I most likely will never move on. (What am i trying to say, again?) I don't know. I am going on and on, and I can do this forever. It's weird. I dont want to go to school bc of what? Do i care if i get bullied? I mean yes. But I am strong enough to move on. But what am i doing right now? Laying in my bed, not going outside. I want to adopt a shelter pet, but I cant, i only have 100 dollars on me. And i need to save that up for food and clothes. Sigh. I'm sad. I just watch youtube all day. Might as well do that, and occasionally browse reddit. I would write more, but honestly this is nonsensical nonsense. I am as pathetic as a reddit incel. via /r/Seattle https://ift.tt/2qTbpoK

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