Maybe not a dead bedroom but feels the same..

*Please let me know if this doesn’t belong here and I will remove it. ThanksMy spouse and I have been together for a little over 4 years. We met online over 9 years ago through a mutual friend and had a very polite friendship over the course of the next 5 years. I dated others as did my SO throughout that time. I decided to take my SO up on the offer of moving to the new state to be with them. I was in a bit of a tight spot due to some unforeseen consequences of building a life with someone and not saving anything for myself, so when he left it left me destitute and broke.Now, I feel a bit like I don’t deserve a dream relationship. I’m very much in love with my SO. I crave him in ways I couldn’t explain. Mentally, emotionally, physically I need him. I, in secret, fantasized about him before coming here to be with him. We have sex and due to a few issues, he is limited to a few positions but is always willing to try new things. I don’t mind him always being dominate, it’s a favorite of mine. I do, however, hate being rejected when I try to initiate. He is LL and I am HL. He has to have a good amount of recharge time before we engage in any kind of sexual activity.He doesn’t just reject me when I try to initiate sexual activity but in other ways of intimacy as well. I ask him to hold me or cuddle while watching shows, he will do things to intentionally irritate me so that I move away from him. He will only hold my hands for just a moment before taking them away. He doesn’t hug me unless I ask for it, he doesn’t kiss me just because. I’ve expressed many times that while I don’t need constant confirmations that he loves me, I do want to be touched. He never tells me I’m beautiful, in the time we’ve known each other he said it exactly once. It made me cry because I didn’t believe him. He tells me sometimes that he does love me, but never tells me why. He told his family that he’d like to marry me, but tells me that he’s not in any kind of hurry.So imagine, here is someone I love very much. I helped build the life that we have and I am nothing but supportive of all his dreams and endeavors. He asked me to come here. I am a bit overweight, not morbidly but I definitely have some curves. I am very clean, I don’t wear makeup often or style my hair (besides pulling a brush through it). I never say no. Not because I fear what would happen if I do, but I don’t feel the need to say no.We’ve had some issues over the time that we’ve been together, he’s cheated a few times and denied and then admitted. We have had those earth shattering 4 in the morning conversations about what we would do. I cry, he feels guilt, we don’t touch for a little bit. But then, we fall irrevocably into mad love and we go on as the above. He turns to masturbation, often. Hentai and other social media sites provide a good amount of material coupled with ready and willing cosplayers (which royally fucking pisses me off) to send messages, pictures and the like to him. I see the girls, scantily clad in various characters. I, personally, don’t care for them. Everyone has their material that they use to get off on, but I never used mine to replace a person. I am very understanding, while hurt I forgive and choose to change whatever it is about myself that he wants. He, has relatively remained the same. His hobbies have changed a few times but his generally presence is the same. His view, the condescension, the controlling tactics. All of it is the same. Something is always my fault in arguments. I still am left, hurting. Wanting so much more out of this but limited to whatever scraps he gives me.Our relationship is different. I was abused and beaten in previous relationships, my current SO has never physically assaulted me or called me names. Is it weird that I hate how I feel about all of this? Like somehow I’m not in a traditional relationship but still crave that style?What we have is not bad, I just hate feeling unwanted. The constant rejection of my advances is killing me. Am I ugly? Do I smell bad? Is there someone else? I feel alone in my bed, confined to just my thoughts. I can’t even talk to him because what more can I say? It’s starting to really break me. I cry all the time and I can’t seem to find any confidence. Maybe I’m just being pathetic. I’m not really sure. via /r/DeadBedrooms

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