My SO [28M] for 2 years is suffering of depression. I [31F] struggle to stay supportive despite tensions and lack of physical contact. I recently found he is attracted to cosplayer/anime character while saying to me he has "no libido" because of his illness. Do you have any advice ?


Hello Reddit Ok I'm not sure how to do this as this is my first post ever and I've never asked the great Internet for any advice before. But this one is a real tough one for me and I really don't know how to properly deal with it anymore.First a little context. I've been with my SO for a little more than 2 years now. He's in his late twenties and I'm in my early thirties. For the first year everything was sunshine and rainbows. We shared common interests (hobbies, friends, music..), travelled a bit, talked, laughed...everything was going really fine. Then at the end of 2016 depression started to creep slowly on him. He's a very sensible person and a demanding work he disliked took its toll on him, plus the end of our "honeymoon" when we sarted adjusting to routine and sometimes tensions. I think I have a part of responsibility in this but he never made it clear to me. By the beginning of 2017 he was a real mess, staying at home for months crying and telling me he wished nothing but dying. This was the beginning of a very dark road.At first I had absolutely no clue on how to help him or even deal with this without worsening his situation. I started a therapy on my own, searched for advices from my friends, family and internet forums and medical websites (as a silent reader). I think I read more about depression during the past year than on any other subject. I learnt to be patient and worked on my behaviour (which can be really rough and not easy living) while he was struggling to get better as much as he could. As I was (and still am) deeply in love with him I didn't wish to leave but wanted to stay and go through the entire ordeal, no matter the personal cost. He slowly started to "function" better (not "feel" better) and was able to return to work some days.Depression made 2017 a hellish year for both of us (mostly for him, obviously) but we stayed together, even when things went really bad because at times I couldn't cope with his complete absence of attention towards me (It took some time for me to understand that was a normal behaviour for a depressed person) or when he was in complete despair and wanted to "end it all".Fast forward to 2018 things were still rocky but we found a common ground, with me being less and less needy (for example I stopped expecting answers to messages or calls), and him working on getting better. We didn't see each other as much as we used to do and I stopped asking him because he told me that was putting too much pressure on him. I stopped making negative comments altogether about any aspects of our relationship as it was putting him in a lot of suffering and guilt. I did my best to stay positive all the time, encouraging him during his therapy, doing activity that he used to love without forcing him, leaving him alone when he wanted to. I tried to accept and compromise about things that were important to me in order for him not to feel guilty about me being unsatisfied : affection, attention and of course, sex. I don't say that I was perfect (I'm not, it's still difficult for me and I still struggle) but I can tell that I did my best. He thanked me a couple of times for that and when he did it was enough for me to keep going.Which brings me to the crux of the subject. Here we are April 2018. He is very distant in every possible way : not answering to messages or calls (I'm used to that and I'm not expecting answers to my texts before the next day, or no answers at all), not demonstrating his affection to me (no hugs or tender moments without me literally asking for it, I'm used to that too), and not having any desire or physical "intent" towards me (sex is rare and I have to initiate it, which can be sometimes tricky considering his state). We talked about this and he said to me that he was not feeling anything good anymore, mentally speaking. So basically I can forget desire or tenderness as he explained to me that he was unable to "feel" this kind of feeling. He said to me that he had not felt any sexual desire for the last months. I did my best to comfort him and telling him it was okay and he didn't have to feel guilty about it for me. It was difficult for me at first as I have physical needs, and I miss our intimate moments. But I know this is a rough time for him and I don't want to add any pressure or guilt. I really thought what I said to him. I don't want him to feel guilty and I can accept and understand a lot more things about his illness than a year ago. I'm okay with all that as long as we stay together and still work to build our relationship. My main concern is for him to get better.That was okay until I felt doubt. And doubt is a sneaky snake. It started at the begining of the year at his place when I was searching for a movie to watch on his computer. I ended up in his downloads folder and found a bunch of what I will simply called "porn Japanese games". Download dates were fairly recent, and I felt a little sting of betrayal. No libido but a dozens of cheap porn games ? Okay...I waited a few days to cool down then started a conversation with him about this sensible subject. I walked on thin ice there and treated the matter with humour, poking on a dirty habit in a fun way without being aggressive or resentful. He admitted everything and told me that he was actually playing those games but only on a gameplay point of view, never to feel aroused. I tried to believe him. As he is a former game designer I can understand the interest. But the doubt lingered and oh boy how was it hard for me not to think about it sometimes.I have to say that I let the doubt festered for a while and this is on me. I was not convinced by his explanations and as he grew more distant I was still thinking about those porn games. Then I took a dirty step ahead and quickly checked his phone (I'm not proud of it) : saved pictures and bookmarks. I found half naked cosplayer with perfect bodies and a shitload of nudity, some as recent as the last days we spent together when he was once again distant and visibly not attracted to me in any way.This one is tough. It is a few days recent, I'm still ashamed about breaking his privacy and in the same time I don't know how to process what I found. He is severely depressed, alright. I can understand his lack of attention / attraction towards me because of that. But this ? How am I supposed to deal with this ? No sexual desire but pictures and bookmarks of naked girls, while I was right next to him ? When you add the "gameplay centered" interest for those hentai games it's starting to really grind my gears, and not in a pleasant way. I'm not a cosplayer with perfect features but I'm not repulsive or ugly for common standards. I have my share of compliments and lingering stares from other men. I'm always open for trying new things sexually speaking (meaning while in a relationship) and I asked several times during the first months of our history about kinks and fetishes and he told me that "the regular stuff" was his preference. That was okay for me. Therefore I don't understand this and I literally don't know how to process the information.Do I have to accept everything as I did until now even when it comes to what I feel as plain lies ? Do I have to let him "blow off steam" on virtual characters and sexy pictures when he's not engaging any physical contact with me ? Do I have to talk to him about everything I found, knowing it will probably hurt him more than I can heal ? Or is this on me for not being attractive, sexy or engaging enough ? He's so fragile I can't think of a way to start the conversation without going off rails, and I don't want to blow everything out of proportions, he doesn't need this. I don't know. I really don't know what to do. I know it can seem futile but after more than a year of compromising, accepting, working on myself to simply be better at dealing with his illness, founding this just made me feel betrayed.Edit : TypoRepost : rude language had to be edited (I don't know how to link this post to my previous similar one)TL;DR I feel that my depressed boyfriend lied to me about his lack of sexual desire. I feel betrayed after a year of effort in order to support him in his illness and don't know how to deal with it. via /r/relationships https://ift.tt/2EMq2it

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