The Worst Self-Acclaimed BEST D&D GM Ever

TL;DR I make a new friend when we both join a horrible GM's ruined temple exploration roleplay that's not really a roleplay. If you don't want to read all my ranting, just read the excerpts from the logs, they're enough to make you understand what we went through, and take a look at the extra link as well.Allow me to regale you with a tale that I never thought I'd have to tell.I'd been searching the subreddits for several weeks, desperately looking for some sort of collaborative literary entertainment when I come across what looks like a gem in the rough."D&D GM seeking literate players," the post read, "be a good sport and be able to roleplay as well." Oh ho! I thought to myself, my heart skipped a beat. Perhaps this is where I would find those friends I sought to meet, perhaps this was where I would be introduced to the wonder that is D&D. You see, I've been a roleplayer for eight years, but I've stuck to what I know. Free form has always been my forte, and to venture forth into the unexplored territory of dice rolling, stats, and more structured, organized play was something that I'd been wanting to do for a long time. I made sure to inform the GM that I was a new D&D player, and that they'd have to teach me about the stats, buffs, and other simple D&D mechanics if they wanted me to participate in their world and story correctly. I was ready to put the effort in, to crack down on a lengthy character sheet, to brave my fear of not knowing how to use a dice rolling system! I truly believed that this adventure would be one of the great ones. The GM had said she was a novelist, and was well-versed in the knowhow a GM ought to have, so I trusted her. I assumed she told the truth.But oh, dear readers, OH. How very fucking wrong I was.It was when we chose the setting two hours prior to session 1, that I realized how wrong I was. It was when both me and the other roleplayer, Cosaur, were given no information on the technology, the map, the races, nothing about the world that we were meant to play in, that I realized how wrong I was. It was when she posted the character sheet that looked like she spent thirty seconds on it, that I realized how wrong I was. It was when she required us to post these character profiles within an hour or be removed from the server, that I realized how wrong I was. It was when I actually read through the fucking character sheet, and realized it was asking for our sexual orientations and whether we were virgins or not that I realized how wrong I was. But you know what? If those two questions had been expanded upon within the roleplay (and I'm definitely not a fan of erotic roleplaying), I wouldn't have been as disappointed or disgusted with the GM as I am. If I'd come across ANYTHING as colorful and imaginative as a god damn gooey tentacle hentai trap, maybe you wouldn't be reading this post today.You are, though. Buckle up kiddos, it's gonna be a not-so-wild-but-sort-of-hilarious-in-a-funny-and-sad-way ride!I'll start off by listing the things that were fundamentally wrong with the roleplaying, and embellish each rule that the GM broke with a direct quote from the session logs.1. In the end, it didn't matter that we didn't know anything about the world. We hadn't needed to write character profiles either.[7:48 PM] Game Master J: Okay. You both have been given a randomizer to your bags. Use it whenever for a free item. You both are starting off with no weapons but fists and rag clothing. (We each started at level 1 with 100/100 hp, something she didn't mention).We had written our character's equipment out because the GM had asked for us to write what equipment we possessed on our person. I wrote that I had a grappling hook and a harpoon gun, but suddenly I was stripped to rags with no weapons. Both me and the other roleplayer who we'll call C, ended up playing more as our frustrated selves than as the characters we spent a bunch of time on. They didn't even let us start together, we were placed, as they said, "randomly in a ruined temple randomly". Just out of curiosity, does anyone know what the fuck a randomizer is?2. The lack of area description on the GM's part was absolutely appalling, and a serious creativity killer.[7:51 PM] Game Master J: Five spaces ahead is a turn down another hallway, you can pickup a short survival knife that does 4 damage or leave it be[7:52 PM] R (me): Is there anything around the knife, can I see where it's lying?[7:52 PM] Game Master: It is lying in front of you on the ground. No enemies are nearby.[7:52 PM] Reesie: I pick it up.[7:52 PM] Game Master: Would you like to equip the knife?[7:53 PM] Reesie: I equip the knife.[7:53 PM] Game Master J: @C it's your turn.Sure, the GM shared the absolute basics! Props to them for that, but I even prodded them a little bit to see if they would make the knife a trap, or add some more detail to make my response more interesting, and was met with a stonewall. If they had given just a little bit more, maybe this post wouldn't exist right now. Both C and I agreed in a PM that we were playing with someone that was roleplaying a robot, or something, because every response she made to us was either bare bones or nothing at all. From the very beginning C and I were expecting more detail in the posts, but as soon as we noticed she was putting zero effort in hers, we put the same amount into ours. Here is another example of this:[7:49 PM] Game Master J: Two spaces ahead lies a shallow dark pit in the floor, you can jump down or avoid it for now[7:50 PM] C: I avoid it for now.[7:55 PM] Game Master J: Two spaces ahead lies your first enemy. It is a level 3 Dragonspritit with 400 health. You can fight it with your fists or hide from it.[7:55 PM] C: I attempt to hide.[7:55 PM] Game Master J: Roll the dice. Any roll 3 or higher is successful.[7:56 PM] C: rolls[7:56 PM] BOTDice: @C You rolled a 3.[7:57 PM] Game Master J: You successfully hide.[7:56 PM] Game Master J: @R Roll or Item[7:56 PM] R: I sniff the knife in my hand and inspect it as well as I can in the dark.[7:56 PM] R: rolls[7:56 PM] BOTDice: You rolled a 1.[7:57 PM] Game Master J: One space ahead is nothing. @C, it's your turn.The last excerpt for this particular broken rule ties into the next one, actually.3. The GM didn't give a damn about roleplay. It didn't matter how nonsensical or fun we tried to make things, they would respond with the same old bland responses or, again, with nothing at all. I SNIFFED MY DAMN KNIFE, and the GM didn't respond in any way! C tried to turn around and jump into the hole he had passed more than three times and the GM refused to let him move backwards. Why couldn't we move backwards?! Here are some great examples of when we tried roleplaying and how they shot us down:When you lick da knife:[7:58 PM] Game Master J: @R[7:58 PM] R: I attempt to lick the knife.[7:59 PM] Game Master J: You take 4 damage. Now you are 96/100[7:59 PM] Reesie: rolls[7:59 PM] BOTDice: You rolled a 2.[8:00 PM] Game Master: Two spaces ahead is an enemy. A level 6 Troll. It has 400 HP. You can attack or hide.[8:00 PM] Reesie: Oh.[8:00 PM] Reesie: I scream and try to hide.[8:00 PM] Reesie: rolls[8:00 PM] BOTDice: You rolled a 5.[8:01 PM] Game Master: You have succeeded in hiding.When you try to turn around:[8:01 PM] C: I turn around and attempt to move towards the hole, then drop into it if I move far enough.[8:01 PM] C: rolls[8:01 PM] BOTDice: @Cosaur You rolled a 3.[8:02 PM] Game Master J: Too bad, three spaces is forward. You can ran from the dragonspirit. Three spaces ahead lies an item on the ground. It is a mace that does 7 damage per swing, but can only swing if a dice roll is 5 or above.[8:04 PM] C: I pick up the mace.[8:04 PM] Game Master: Equip?[8:04 PM] C: Yes[8:04 PM] Game Master J: EquippedWhen you ask a cube a question:[8:05 PM] R: I continue examining the dirty knife and find it fascinating, though my tongue tingles a bit and it kind of hurts when I move it around.[8:05 PM] R: rolls[8:05 PM] BOTDice: @Reesie You rolled a 5.[8:06 PM] Game Master J: Five spaces ahead lies a small cube. You can use it or leave it. If used, you can ask it one qu . ion of anything you want.[8:06 PM] R: I use the cube.[8:06 PM] R: "Cube, why did I take four damage when I licked this knife, even though I didn't say whether I licked the flat or the blade itself?"[8:07 PM] Game Master J: "You licked a weapon." It replied before it disappeared.[8:07 PM] Game Master J: @CWhen you try and turn around for the 2nd time, and also get some mace lovin' in:[8:07 PM] C: I try and turn around and actually head towards the hole I walked past, instead of any other direction. I also caress the mace gently.[8:08 PM] C: rolls[8:08 PM] BOTDice: @C You rolled a 2.[8:09 PM] Game Master J: Two spaces ahead is a wall with writing that says if you can answer a riddle correctly, you will be rewarded. Try it out?[8:09 PM] C: Yes [8:10 PM] Game Master J: "I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have nobody, but come alive with wind. What am I?' One guess.[8:11 PM] C: (He googled this shit) An echo[8:12 PM] Game Master : Correct. You have been given a potion that gives 5 health.4. "It's based on dice roll, so nothing you ask to do or try to do matters." -- the GM sums up this rule broken perfectly. That is NOT D&D! I've never played a real D&D game and I know it's not D&D!When you try and pick a chest but it doesn't matter because dice roll:[8:12 PM] Reesie : My knife is cleaner because I've been cleaning it on what little rags I have in my possession. What does that do?[8:13 PM] Game Master J: Nothing. It has nothing to do with the cleanliness of it.[8:13 PM] R: I'm sad now. rolls[8:13 PM] BOTDice: You rolled a 2.[8:14 PM] Game Master J: Two spaces ahead is a small dark room. Nothing seems to be around. You can rest there and gain your missing health back, or try to open a locked chest.[8:14 PM] Reesie J: I try and open the locked chest, can I pick it with my knife? It's small.[8:14 PM] Game Master J: (Its based on dice roll, so it doesnt matter)[8:15 PM] Game Master J: Roll 3 or above to open it[8:15 PM] R: rolls[8:15 PM] BOTDice: @Reesie You rolled a 3.[8:15 PM] Game Master J: Opened. You earned a sword that can deal 15 damage. Equip it and put knife in bag?[8:16 PM] R: I take the sword and stuff it into the bag unceremoniously, and keep my precious cleaned knife equipped.Link will be in the comments. I highly suggest reading those, some are longer and fucking hilarious. via /r/rpghorrorstories

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