[18/M] Feeling like trash after dumping girlfriend [18/F]


Hey guys, I posted on this Reddit with another account earlier, and back then the responses I got were really helpful. About 10 months ago I started dating this girl who at the same shared a lot of similar interests with me. We both liked romance type anime, "dating sim" visual novel games. At first I felt really accepted by her as I know that not a lot of girls would put up with those kinds of hobbies. I've also always really been into "hentai" anime which is basically cartoon pornography. I was really open about that with her from the start of the relationship, and she seemed cool with it.It was a long-distance relationship though, we only really saw eachother in the weekends. In the end I was starting to feel really down in the days I wasn't with her, to me it started feeling like I had given up my own lifestyle to make her feel more comfortable.5 days out of the week I felt like I was living "for her", not doing what I wanted to do because I knew she wouldn't feel good about it whereas only in the weekends I could actually see her and have an amazing time.Later she started showing how insecure she actually was, and told me that the fact that I like watching anime girls and anime porn makes her insecure, wanted me to stop etc. This was actually about 5 months in. I'm not saying this is abnormal, actually I think this is personal for every girl and I was pretty understanding of it.That doesn't mean that it wasn't a big blow for me though. To be honest at this point hentai feels like my way to get off on fantasies that don't really have anything to do with what I want or expect from my real life girl. I liked how I could be open about that towards her but after I found out about this (whenever we talked about it she'd get depressed/cry) I felt like I just couldn't talk about it anymore.The months after that I pretty much acted like I completely agreed with her, that I should just stop doing that stuff to be in a relationship. Here I feel like I might have sort of made a mistake by not being open about how I actually felt about it. The reason I felt like I couldn't be open about it though was how sad she would get about it whenever the issue was brought up. She also explained to me that even when she was 13/14 she was looking at anime girls and feeling jealous about how they looked. She told me she made drawings of herself as an anime character to make herself feel better about herself.Of course for myself this brought up a few questions to ask myself as well. "Do I actually need porn in order to live?" "Isn't that kind of scary/ close to addiction?" So I pretty much stopped fapping/ watching hentai for some time but TBH I couldn't really stop with it. Maybe that makes me insane, idk. I sure started feeling like shit.It also didn't help how controlling she was outside of the hentai/ anime thing. She was pretty much texting me all day even when she didn't have anything to say. "I'm bored" is pretty much what she was sending me all day.About 9 months after we started I broke up with her because I was getting tired of feeling like I was living my life for her. When I was in the relationship I felt like the relationship was literally the source for all my problems. Now that I've broken up with her though I still feel terrible. When I broke up with her she started freaking out and told me she'd never get over me and she would for ever love me, etc etc. That gave me an enormous feeling of guilt like I had betrayed her. When I was breaking up with her I told her I thought it would be better if we stopped having contact for a couple of weeks and I said she should get support from her family (who I was with every weekend when we were together).After about a week I was still feeling guilty and pretty much broke my own terms and texted her that I was sorry for the way I'd dumped her and that I should've communicated better (which I still partly think) and that I didn't want to break contact. She pretty much reacted saying she also thought I had broken up in a bad way and that she didn't want to talk to me ever again.These days I think back to the day I broke up with her pretty much every day, sometimes I can only think about that for hours and it drives me insane. I have dreams about her regularly. I think the problem is that I was extremely close with her when I broke up (we were literally texting throughout the day and I travelled to her place by train every weekend which took 3 hours every week), and it feels like my life is just so different now. I don't even think I particularly miss her, it's just that I feel lonely now that I'm alone. I feel like there's just a giant void in my life now and I don't know how to fill it.I've been trying to fill the void by playing games/ watching anime like I did before I got in that relationship, back then I was pretty much feeling alright every day and I was pretty statisfied. Now it feels like I'm just wasting my life away honestly.I've been considering looking for a new girlfriend, is that a good idea? TBH part of the reason I wanted to break up was because I felt like I had to build up "my own" life and learn to live by myself because I noticed how reliant I was on her. Getting a new girlfriend at this point might just continue that cycle of relying on girls to enjoy life. Then again, I also feel like it might be bad to get into that mentality that I "should never try to get a girlfriend again" just because this relationship went horribly wrong.One problem with getting a girlfriend would be how I'd find her though. With the previous girl we met by some amazing coincidence through an online game, I don't feel like I can count on something like that happening again. There's an anime convention that I plan on going to in the area soon, and they're doing a "Speed Dating" event for people 18+ to find people with similar interests to them. Should I try that? via /r/relationship_advice https://ift.tt/2rd638P

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