Did My (Ex) Boyfriend's Porn Addiction And Infidelity Ruin Our Relationship, Or Am I Just Crazy?


So here is how we got together:We met online (no bad comments about this, please) and we started sexting regularly (we were both, and still are, young adults). At first, it started off as a joke, but we both admitted that it made us horny. One night, we sexted and masturbated together over Skype. The next day, he told me he was with another girl. I was devastated. I felt so lied to and disgusted. Eventually, he told me that he was not happy with her, and that he chose me. I decided to be in a relationship with him and put my trust into him. A month or two later, he had messaged his ex telling her that he still loved her. Again, my heart was broken, and he told me he was just "confused" because he had been with her for 6 months. I let it go, but I told him to delete her anr block her if he wanted to be with me. He did it.For a while, everything was cool. We played games together, watched shows and movies, and continued fulfilling each other's sexual desires.. or so I thought.I found out he had a severe porn addiction and he would watch regular porn or hentai nearly every day. I felt so insecure and inferior to these girls that he looked up, and he tried to tell me that it's just a habit he's had since he was 14-15. I tried explaining to him how it made me feel, and he got mad and told me that every guy does it. The argument lasted for a while until I finally gave up and told him I would only be fine with hentai in moderate amounts. So we went somewhat back to normal.Sometimes I would even watch hentai with him because I knew he liked it, and I found it kinky.One day I asked how often he had been looking at it, and he was very secretive. I asked to see his browser history, and on it was links to regular porn and hentai. He even went out of his way to search "Hooter's blonde." I do not have blonde hair, so this made me even more jealous and insecure. We fought again, and I told him I didn't want him to look at ANYTHING anymore.At this point in the relationship, maybe about 6 months in, I was crying nearly every day and comparing myself to every pretty girl I saw (mostly blondes.) My boyfriend was trying to be very supportive and would stay in long calls with me throughout the days and nights. He also wanted me to move in with him when I was done with school, which would be in 2ish years. He even told me that his urges to watch porn would go away because I would be there to have sex with him. At that time, my weakened mind saw this as romantic, and not abusive in any way.Time goes on, he still goes behind my back with porn, and even adds his ex two more times. We've broken up several times and then get back together. I am depressed and suicidal, but I feel as if I need him to be happy. I eventually attempted suicide via pills. I tried twice more after that in the time span of 2 months. Even after my attempts, he still goes behind my back with porn, and yells at me nearly every day for limiting him. At this point, I'm afraid of him being friends with any female. We can't watch movies or shows together anymore because I get jealous of the actresses. I constantly ask him if he finds them pretty and tell him I want to be the only attractive girl in his eyes. He tells me I am, but I feel like he lies.It's the present day. We've broken up yet again. He tells me he still wants me around, and that he wants to make me happy. I tell him I feel guilty for limiting him and making him unhappy (he previously told me that he is never happy with me). He tells me what he likes about me. I tell him what I like about him. We still fight and argue and I'm still insecure, suicidal, and attached.What can I do now? Where do I go from here? I want to be with him, but I know I would just continue to make him unhappy. Yet, without him, I see nothing ahead of me in life, even though I have amazing grades.Thoughts and opinions on both of our actions and behaviors are welcome. Lay down the truth. Am I crazy? Is he crazy? Are we both crazy?EDIT: We were together for almost 2 years via /r/relationship_advice https://ift.tt/2HYZtcu

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