I need help with remorse and self forgiveness


Hi all,First, I am just shy of 1 year porn free and for the most of it completely turned my life around. I have followed and completed the 12 steps and had extensive therapy. I didn't have a great childhood, I suffered neglect, emotional abandonment and parental rejection, I have grown to understand that my porn use was to mask the pain of the struggles of my childhood.All in all, I am mostly a much healthier person than I used to be, I am beginning to find enjoyment in my life again but often in the back of my mind there is the creeping anxiety and worries than sometimes hit me hard.TRIGGER WARNING . . . . . . .My path to porn addiction was a nasty one, when I was young I found myself in hentai very quickly and unfortunately was introduced into the extremes at school. over the years my porn use would seem to go in a cycle, I'd go from normal to toon/hentai to extreme hentai and on some rare occasion (this is very hard to even type) some illegal places. I'm certainly not proud of that and it's been around 3 or 4 years since I last went to that low. I am grateful that I was able to stop that part of my addiction with relative ease, and that I managed to stop before any authorities got involved (I'm not gloating with that, I understand where my actions could have lead me and don't take the way things worked out for granted).I truly decided to quit all porn and work to make up for my past actions when I began to suffer some huge depression last year that forced me to ruminate on the worst places I had been.Over the year I began to work on making up for my past by beginning to donate to a few good charities and by being around places like here, nofap and other mental health forums trying to help who I can. I've worked hard on myself, on understanding the pain I was covering up with porn, on forgiving those who caused that pain, on exploring spirituality, on healthy habits and on forgiving myself.All of this has helped a lot, I don't feel as alone as I once did, or as hopeless, I really hope that I can finally let go of this and be at piece.However, I seem to be stuck a little, the feelings of remorse, while not as all consuming as they once were still eat at me and are toxic to me.I still feel like a fraud with my friends and family, I have mentioned to a few people that I had a problem with porn but the true full extent is only known by my therapist and who I have sought advice from anonymously.I still feel that I don't deserve the great and fulfilling career that I have and sometimes fear that all the hard work that I have put into building up from rock bottom will come crashing down, although I know this is unlikely.I still feel that I can never have a real meaningful relationship, I have been told on, in 12 step, by my therapist and others that, yes I should tell a partner that I had an addiction but it would be unwise to go into the full gritty detail. I understand this, I understand for me to let go telling someone every detail would only result in more long lasting hurt for both parties.And finally I still really struggle with self forgiveness, I have gotten to a certain point but I just can't seem to make the final step to true self forgiveness, there is still a lingering self critical voice that I cant shake.Thanks for reading, I'd really appreciate some advice on continuing my journey forwards. via /r/pornfree https://ift.tt/2KHfCoJ

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