It’s time to seek help and stop hiding my feelings

I’m a 24 year old female. I’m living a relatively comfortable life. I’m healthy and have enough money to get by, but I’m depressed, I have been for approximately 12 years.I don’t remember when it started, I just remember it being there one day. I remember being young and stopping dead in my tracks, an impending feeling surrounding me, feeling that I was surrounded by a big black space that was filled by death.My father was an alcoholic with a propensity for cheating and disappearing for days at a time. My mother an OCD, workaholic was always trying to put out his fires and financially support us, but was never there for me or my brothers emotionally because of it. My mother and father fought constantly, the word “divorce” was a regular part of their conversations. One night I heard him rape her. A few other times I saw him beat her.The chaos from them rubbed off on my eldes brother, who is 9 years older than me. He had anger issues and depression. He got into drugs, fights, theft and fits of rage constantly. I remember being 5 and watching the blue and red lights outside, and hiding behind the couch as the doorbell rang. One night when I was about 7 or 8 I heard my mom pleading for him to not take his life. A few other times he threatened to take ours at knife point, my dad was of course absent during the worst of my brothers rages.Surprisingly otherwise, my eldest brother was very kind to me. He taught me to play video games and showed me the ropes of mmorpgs. We had a special relationship, my first word was his name after all. One day that was destroyed when he came home from school, and decided he wanted to watch a show with me instead of let me watch him play computer games. He turned out the lights and put on a tv show. I don’t remember much but it was an anime hentai about a guy who goes around from village to village raping women. I remember being so afraid I was shaking in my seat otherwise unable to move. When I heard my mom come home I ran up the stairs. We never had the same relationship after, I never trusted him.My entire childhood I was told that what happens in my family stays with the family. I never talked about my home life. When I was 13 I told my boyfriend that I cut my wrists. He told all his friends, so I broke up with him. In return he saved the text messages I had sent him and showed every single person he could. This was how people got to knew me when I moved to high school, as that emo chick. I was preppy and bubbly in person, so many didn’t believe it and accepted me, but the rest would see me in the halls and tell me to kill myself. I tried a few times, but my heart was never fully in it.My home life continued to be tiresome. My mother still snuck into my bed to hide from my drunk fathers tirades, which never stopped him and kept me awake all night. My mother would confide in me she would leave her dad but she had to stay to afford to take care of me and my brothers. She told me sometimes she wished she could leave us all and never come back. For some reason she felt as a child I was the person to confess these things too.My brain is a mess. I’m tired right now. I failed to finish with honours in my degree. I’m strugggling to get a job, let alone to leave my bed. I have a loving boyfriend who means the world to me and helps me more than anyone, but I feel like I burden him.I’m just afraid of the things that I will uncover if I do treat it this, all the repressed memories, all the cracks between my memories. I’m afraid of who I am, afraid I’m like my father or mother. I’m fighting addiction already, which makes me feel like I’m that much more like my father. I feel what’s worse is that I can hardly remember a handful of happy memories from my childhood. I’m jealous of happy families. My boyfriend has a happy family, they’re all wonderful people and I’ve never been so envious. They remind me how broken I am sometimes.I’ve decided to seek help, as I’ve reached the end of my rope and often it feels as if the walls are closing in. I’ve come to realize over the years that you can’t will these things away. That no amount of lifestyle changes and positive thinking can fix things if the problems are so fundamentally buried. I have days I feel happy but they don’t mean I can just ignore this festering wound. I need to treat this like a physical illness and get medical help. I want to take back my own mind and body. I want to regain control, and feel like I’m a functioning human. And I just wanted to let the world and myself know that I’m really, really trying. via /r/offmychest

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