Chinese girl exploited regret.

Chinese girl here. I had a white male only dating policy, but that was 2 years ago. Since then I’ve opened up to the possibility of dating an Asian man - but he cannot be East Asian. He can be Indian, or darker skin or African American. I never dated my own race because I loved the white race so much because I was never proud to be Chinese. The whole world is out to get China and I couldn’t bear the stress of being labelled a commie agent who ate dogs. I had no homeland to fall back on. After all, I grew up in this country the United States of America and have learned to love this country and to loathe my racial background. Since there’s nothing to like about China, I wanted to feel a sense of belonging and join the China-bashing bandwagon. It felt good like I was accepted into white society. I wanted to be recognized by the white Anglo American master race. The glorious British empire.My white friends all mocked Asian men for having small penises but yet they constantly watched Japanese adult video pornography. They were obsessed with anime, hentai, kpop, video games and kept mentioning Jackie chan and kung fu. It got to a point they were so unbearable to be around. But unfortunately I also lost my virginity to a white guy.I learned from my surroundings to hate Chinese men because everyone looked down on them. I remember when I went to school everyday, the kids would mock and taunt Asians. So I did that too just to survive and fit in. Everyone laughed at them so I decided to fit in too by laughing and intentionally held my hands with white guys so as to make Asian guys jealous and to ward them off to signal that I was taken.I believe in upgrading my social status by only associating with anyone with lighter skin color. I refuse to be seen with any Asian man for fear of being laughed at spending time with an Asian loser. I don’t care how successful he is because of his Tiger parents and high income. None of that will ever attract me. I’ve made up my mind already. It’s too late. I want to feel powerful and recognized by the dominant racial class in this world- Caucasian. My objective as a Chinese-American woman is to race climb to the highest echelons of power. I will not stop and never stop. I’m sick and tired of being relegated to the bottom of society. I envy those Sorority white girls who are so popular and I feel so angry that I was born Asian and worst of all – specifically Chinese. I feel subhuman. Everyone laughs at China’s low GDP per capita and income levels. I’m done defending Chinese people. I want to be acknowledged as beautiful RIGHT NOW and be in the spotlight.However it is increasingly difficult to lock down a white guy. Every single white ex boyfriend has dumped me after having sex with me. I like sex a lot and the orgasms I’ve had are intense and mind blowing. After all that I feel like shit for being dumped and used. I think I’ve intimately bonded with one of my past exes. The flashbacks of all those great moments we had  together.I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m getting old and parents are pressuring me into marrying someone. Normally if he’s an Asian male and asks for sex, I deny him and make him spend more money on dates, however for white guys, I let them have sex with me on first date.I do believe other Asian women also punish Asian men by denying sex and rewarding white guys because whites are the prize. via /r/HandsoffHapas

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