I [F24] found out my [M24] boyfriend was talking to and giving money to camgirls. Still trying to figure out how to mend things.

I have never posted on Reddit, but I have been searching similar situations to mine. I figured I would ask the internet since I really couldn't bring myself to reach out to friends or family for this. I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 years. Recently I found out he was paying and talking to camgirls. It was Nov 9th when we were heading out to our favorite hang out place and we got in the car and his Bluetooth connected. It said Chaturbate on the car screen thing and I quickly averted my eyes pretending to have been adjusting my seatbelt, no doubt he freaked out because I immediately saw him hit the home screen of the car display to make it go away. I tried to brush it off, in my mind I just thought that he was just having a look. Our sex life has been dead and in the past I told him it was ok if he wanted to get off to porn or hentai, completely fine by me. Also, I couldn't just accuse him on the spot because first I think he might be embarrassed, he had been financially supporting me for a few months now and I was the cause of the dead sex life - self esteem issues from gaining weight so I refused him sex constantly. The financial part was due to that I was working for one of his family members and I was trying to help out as best I could but I was working for free because the funds were tied up. My boyfriend understood this and he rather wait and see if the business took off before I found another job. We were waiting and he was ok with temporarily paying some of my bills. I felt really bad about this and me feeling bad also made him feel bad.It's Nov 10th now and I can't ignore the tiny bit of knowledge I have. My bf went on CB, once? twice? Not sure. I start emotionally eating that day and I tell my bf I just feel overall sad. I had been dieting and following a strict low carb diet since September. When I look back at it I realize September is when things went downhill, knowingly and unknowingly. Because I changed my whole eating habit I was super irritable and weak for about 3 weeks. 3 weeks that my boyfriend probably thought I was a f*cking nightmare. I did apologize frequently but I told him I wanted to feel better about myself so then it could back to the way it was. I don't know if eating healthy brought mental clarity but I started to realize that we needed sex and that if I was the problem I needed to fix it. So I went about that day eating carbs and feeling utterly bad for doing so and the whole cam girl thing. I then drank that night and with that liquid courage I wanted to have a go in the bedroom with him. I think it was about 11PM and his phone rang - co worker calling. He is always on call now but I feel like I can't really get mad since he pays the bills, you know? Anyway I get really irritated because he spends a whole hour on the phone, most of which I think is just gossip. I hint to him that I want to go to bed with him and he half heartedly says he'll get off soon it's just his co worker talks too much. She does, I've talked to her. I am drunk and emotions get the better of me. When he gets off the phone I tell him I am leaving. I am upset and so he gets upset. My car doesn't start, frustrated I tell him to please jump my car. He is angry now I can tell but he helps me. Now at this point I shouldn't be driving and the fact that he is going let me leave makes me cry. I tell him that I don't even know what I am doing here, I have been useless with no money, there's no sex and he could just as well have a nice life watching camgirls with me not in the picture. His whole demeanor changes and he turns my car off and leads me back inside. Tells me he will always be there and that I will always have a home where he is. I fall asleep crying and hugging him.It's Nov 11th. He asks if I want to go to work with him. It's an 8 hour shift where he kinda just sits around. Tells me we can watch movies and stuff. The first half is great but idk if it's just me but when the sun goes down so does my optimism sometimes. It starts to bother me again. We get home, go to bed and then I finally ask the question. Do you watch camgirls and also do you pay. He says yes to both. My stomach drops and my heart feels funny. I tell him I need to go be with the cats (we have two). He freaks out and tries to pull me back to bed. I tell him I am trying to keep my composure as my voice breaks. He says I don't have to. I tell him please please please just let me go to the cats. I quietly leave the room and go cry to my cats. I think 10 min go on until I gather my bearings to ask details, to figure out what went wrong.We stay up that night, I try to be as rational as possible. First I ask how much, he says 60. Then I ask why. He said he felt like we had hit the peak of our relationship and had been feeling so since March when I brutally shot down the idea of marriage. This guy wanted to marry me and all I had to say was "I don't want a divorce". I was being too realistic and I was also just thinking about my parents, his parents, his sibling, my sibling - all divorced. I should have just focused on what I had which is really special. He said that my response gave him the idea that I wanted to leave a door open so I didn't have to commit or I could walk out at anytime. He said the sex depravation was part of it too, he didn't know what else to do to make feel better about my weight - he calls me cute and pretty all the time but I have always had a problem accepting compliments. He also thought I was talking to a guy online and sending explicit photos. I hadn't, I am secretive of my phone yes but only because it seems like I am having more fun with my online friends and I didn't want him to feel bad so I kept that away from him. I realize this was a mistake. He also said he felt like I was going to break up with him soon and that I didn't like him and the only reason I lived with him is because I had no money to get out. I felt totally blindsided. Especially since I thought we had been making good progress in October.What comes next hurts, as opposed to just telling me everything he tries to soften the blows. BTW that never helps! I resort to snooping, which I hate and I have never done in 7 years. To summarize, he was on CB since August. Sporadically. He ended up talking to one girl specifically, she sent him photos and vids on IG of her playing with herself. I found this out bc he kept an album on his computer. I asked why?! He says he doesn't know what compelled him to save it and that he was an idiot. I told him to unfollow her and any other cam girls. Now my bf, he is the forgetful kind so I am not defending him but he is and I tried to rationalize that. I found that he purchased videos bc I went to his email and found those. I found about 4, so he bought porn basically. He says he forgets about things that are not important and when I ask him to go through who he is following on IG we combed together through the list and we remove them together. This felt a little silly for me, but he said whatever made me feel better and that he was done with it. We also deleted his CB account together, I found out he had been following 33 girls and actually spent about 500 altogether (this kinda hurt) and he stopped completely the day I confronted him about it. He dumped the last of his cash to some model that wasn't even online and chose her because she had an autistic son. He is a very giving person but I told him moving forward I want him to only support me. Yes he was financially supporting me but he was also helping them - and that did not make me feel unique at all. He agreed to only support me.Something changed because we were both really trying now. The sex came back too and I could tell he was still really attracted to me still. When I looked at him I couldn't feel mad, I felt like I failed him and my negative influence got to him. He still wronged me but I wanted to love and forgive him. We are really trying - me to make him feel wanted and him to right his wrong and to communicate more. He showed a lot of remorse, regret and apologized over and over for being stupid and not communicating what he needed from me. I apologized for shooting down his optimism of marriage, for being secretive of my phone, for being mean when he needed me to be there for him and for not taking his word when he gave compliments. I also thought long about marriage, I want to commit and I told him that often times I tried to take back what I said but I felt like I didn't deserve to. I took it back and told him I wanted to be the girl he marries and he said that's all he ever wanted to hear. I really want to work through this so I asked that we both have open phone policy to each other. 7 years, there shouldn't be secrets right?Now we are picking up the pieces but I still get doubtful because this was a shock but I can see what lead up to it. Usually when he is not around or late at night when I am trying to fall asleep it haunts me. Or when a notification pops up in his phone when I am in the other room. I know this is paranoia from betrayal. I don't want to pry but I feel like I should ask him what he likes to look at and understand it. We've been together since teenagers, went into adulthood together and were each other's first. I feel lost about this because it has never happened to me and it's been me and him for years. I don't ask myself if I did the right thing, I did something and is it enough? Would he ever go back to it? What are some helpful things we can do for each other? Does the paranoia go away with time?​TL;DR: I caught my boyfriend talking to and paying cam girls. He confessed, but didn't want to hurt me so he omitted a couple of things. Resorted to snooping which I dislike but got the truth. Decided to work things out since I still love him very much and have been together for 7 years. I had negative views on marriage, was secretive of my phone and killed my sex life - which I think influenced some of the situation. Both want to move forward but I get paranoid. via /r/relationships https://ift.tt/2RaXrL4

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