I Feel Awful

I am experiencing some bad suicidal ideation and I need a second option​I have suffered from anxiety, depression, and OCD my whole life. Recently, I was diagnosed after having awful intrusive thoughts about pedophilia and other things. I have told my therapist about all of this and he has assured me I am not a dangerous person. However, I still have to well check what other thinks. When I have been raised catholic my whole life, have not had a lot of friends growing up, and was badly bullied by once best friend and basically entire middle school. When I was around 13 somehow I discovered BDSM and rapey hentai, and I think I used it as a way of self-medicating somehow I guess it distracted me and watched till I was 18ish. Now I didn't exclusively watch this and now I like more vanilla stuff better. My sex life has been more "normal" and I am happy with that.However, around 10 months ago I began to wonder if I am secretly a pedophile, the thought came out of no where but I could shake it. I would never do anything to harm child nor does the idea of being intimate with one appeal to me in anyway. However, I couldn't shake the feeling and began to wonder if I could ever hurt anyone for pleasure when I realized I use to watch that porn... I became sick to my stomach. I don't honestly want to ever hurt anyone nor would I, but I couldn't shake the feeling I am a monster. I just want to have a normal loving relationship which someone. So reddit, do you think I am a monster? Please I need a second opinion. I feel unlovable and nobody will ever love me because of this via /r/confessions https://ift.tt/2QYi5xW

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