Schadenfreude is a characteristic of sadistic personality disorder and is simply defined as pleasure derived from another person's pain, discomfort, or misfortune. This is a term that I believe applies to me. I am 19 years old as of earlier in November.To be honest, I think I've had this trait since HS, but I only just now stopped to think about it in-depth late August. Since HS, I have always had a fetish for rape, but at the time, it would be limited to rape doujins. For those who don't know what doujins are, if you know what anime and manga are, doujins are pornographic versions of manga. Rape was one of my biggest fetishes in HS, but at the time, I didn't think too deeply into it. I used to also believe that I was a masochist and I just thought that I was into rape because I was just into domination in general.During college, I slowly started to discover that this isn't the case. I went to a BDSM party in January of this year and I was not interested in anything at that party, which led me to believe that I was not into BDSM. But for some reason, I was still into rape, and not only that, but I was also into female domination and impregnation. Still, this was all just purely sexual fetishes, so I didn't pay it much mind.I withdrew from college because I had depression which made it hard to go to classes and from May until right now, I've just been sitting in my home doing nothing, and while I was doing nothing, I've been reflecting on myself and thinking about many things. I still had my fetishes and I look at hentai every day, but it wasn't until August that I started to really think about my fetishes.I lost my virginity back when I was in college and since then, I've been buying escorts because I didn't want to go through the effort of finding a girl to have sex with again and just wanted to skip straight to the sex. Each and every time, I found sex to be unenjoyable and in August, I swore that I would not pursue sex again because I had reached the height of my disappointment. This led me to however question my fetishes once again. I don't like sex and I wasn't into BDSM, so why did I still have a rape fetish, a femdom fetish, and an impregnation fetish?The main kicker that led me to the conclusion found in this post starts with me just randomly stumbling on a victim's rape story. For some reason, I didn't feel any empathy towards the victim. Actually as a matter of fact, reading their rape story turned me on, and I proceeded to browse Reddit for more rape stories. And I've been doing this from late September. As of the start of November, I didn't just read rape stories, I also started to read stories of that nature in general: relationship abuse stories, bullying stories, torture stories. All sorts of stories involving the abuse of someone.As of this week, I failed a job interview, and I went home and looked deep into myself to come up with a reason as to why I did not pass that interview and why I didn't feel confident / willing to work in a retail environment, more specifically, why I didn't feel confident to socialize with other people. And the reason I came up with after some long thinking goes like this: I am afraid of what people will think of me after they find out about my sadism.I never thought about it as sadism until today. Before, I just thought of it as "degeneracy". Me and my friends all look at dark humor and we laugh at it and call ourselves degenerates, so I never really though about it beyond a superficial level. I realized that looking at all of these stories of people getting raped and abuse that I find a great amount of pleasure just hearing about the misfortunes of other people: schadenfreude as it is defined. It took me a while to realize that I just love hearing about the worst things happening to people, and that the misery of other people legitimately brings me great joy.After discovering all of this, what I mainly concerned about is if I'll ever actually be able to make long-lasting friends or if I'll ever be able to find a significant other. Most people would call me "evil" if I were to tell them about this part of myself, which is why I made it a Reddit post. If you read this far, thank you for reading. Otherwise,TL;DR: Over the course of my life, I found myself becoming increasingly sadistic. It went from just looking at doujinshi (pornographic manga / anime) to reading stories of abuse on Reddit. I just now realized that it goes deeper than simply being a fetish and is now one of my major personality traits. While I don't regret having this trait, what I am concerned about is whether or not I'll ever be able to find a significant other or have any true friends that'd accept this trait of mine. via /r/offmychest