Lost


Life has been beating me down lately. I very recently have lost a friend to suicide and it has been emotionally and physically damaging me. Calvin and I first became acquainted with one another during both of our Junior year in high school through mutual friends and although I had doubts about his personality, I grew to be his friend, to learn about his past, his life. Initially, he seemed odd and quirky, I didn't understand it at the time, but Calvin would be the most unique and feeling soul I'd ever have the pleasure of meeting. We got closer this year, our Senior year. We began to understand each other on a deeper and personal level. Without saying a single word, we both understood the pain we were going through. We both shared chronic depression and funnily enough, we managed to bond over it. His sense of humor was amazing and whatever class he went to, he made people laugh left and right, even the teachers. He had an advanced sense of humor. I'd call it modern. He was up to date with the current memes and always knew what to say and what was popular. He was still an OG though. Looking back on it, it makes me grin like an idiot. He had a Pepe hat and Pepe sweatpants that everyone loved. He even had a hentai shirt and I swear to god, this man never got in trouble for it. It was faces of anime girls with their tongues out and drool hanging out of their mouths, obviously hentai, but he pulled it off. He was popular with a lot of people and like I said, made everyone laugh. Over the few months of the beginning of the new school year, you couldn't really tell that anything was wrong. He hid is pain well, but I occasionally saw through his mask and still to this day, I regret never asking "What's wrong?". It's sort of like a flashback, I can't get the image out of my head, but since me and Calvin had 6th period together, I remember seeing the last day he was alive. I've never seen this look in a humans eyes before and I can't describe it to this day. He was laughing and making people smile like normal, but his eyes.. His eyes were begging me to save him. He knew what he was going to do. He knew it was his last day alive and his eyes reflected that. I wanted to ask if he was okay, but I didn't. It was a Thursday and we didn't have school that Friday. We went home and I decided to take a nap on the couch after getting home. I woke up around 5:00 PM to a text from my Dad asking if I knew a Calvin. The principal of our school had ended up sending all the faculty and parents an email explaining Calvin's suicide. Immediately, I shut down. Thoughts of just why, how, and where kept popping up in my head. I was panicking as if I could still save him if I acted fast enough. I pleaded with all of our mutual friends, begging them to tell me any information as soon as possible. I prayed that he didn't have to suffer through his method of suicide. Nobody should be in pain during those moments or even have a moment where they should feel like they have to take their own life, but I found out he had hung himself and even now, I am breaking down. Tears and dried tears all over my keyboard. He was hurting before he died and it pains my very being to know that. I've screamed to myself, "Why did you have to choose such a painful way to go, nobody wanted you gone, you aren't allowed to leave, thats not your choice!". His home situation wasn't the best, but I understand pain and depression and sadness, I'm still struggling with chronic depression, but he didn't have to leave. I would give my life for him to be here today. My life. I feel like I could've done something. I used to sit next to him during our 6th hour, but I moved back one seat because it felt less cramped and I'm more comfortable sitting in the back of the room. Calvin would always ask me "When you gonna come back?". I never came back. Never came back.. Sometimes I try and cry about whats happened, but I can't. I can't. I can't cry. The tears won't come out and I feel emotionless. I'm having dark thoughts. Thoughts I don't want to think about. Things I thought I moved past are coming back to haunt me. I want someone to understand, I feel wrong as a person. I'm so damn numb all the time. I'm cold and numb. I miss you, Calvin. Please come back.​- A caring friend via /r/SuicideWatch https://ift.tt/2P8oBQL

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