(P)OCD driving me crazy. I need advice on my feelings.


Hello everyone. This might be a doozy. Also a disclaimer: this contains content about loli/shota - anime drawings of underage people. If that makes you uncomfortable, I recommend not reading this. So, let me start from the beginning. Back when I was around 8 or so, I found shota hentai for the first time. I wasn’t being groomed or anything, I just happened to find it while being on the internet. Obviously at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it, so I kept looking at it. As I got older, I would look at it as I did with any other pornographic material. I never focused on the age aspect of the shota hentai - I genuinely just thought they were cute characters, nothing deeper than that. But I’m 18 now, and a few months ago after I viewed the content, I had seen a post on social media calling people who looked at that type of hentai pedophiles and that they deserved to die. No exaggerating, I had the biggest freak out of my life. I have never been attracted to children EVER. I worked with them before and I wouldnt even dream of hurting them!! I hate the idea of hurting a child, and even writing that makes me want to cry. But I had no idea shota was so bad. The guilt I felt was immeasurable. To save time, I told my psychologist and she told me I wasn’t a pedophile because 1) I don’t like real kids and 2) I knew the difference between cartoon and reality. My OCD was just making it worse. But even though I understand I’m not a pedophile and I never used shota in a way to “suppress urges” or whatever, I can’t help be still feel guilty. I think it’s because I can’t bring myself to call it 100% morally wrong. I personally don’t think I can ever go back to viewing it because I tested myself (which I know was stupid) and I physically/mentally didnt feel anything. I just still can’t bring myself though to call all consumers of loli/shota pedophiles. I don’t want to contribute in this when someone who might be in a similar situation like me starts to feel disgusting because they feel grouped in with pedophiles. And not only that but because I believe people have the right to pursue whatever they want in fiction as long as they keep it in fiction and don’t harass anyone with it. I’m getting a little off track here, but I still feel like a pedophile because I can’t bring myself to 100% call loli/shota a “gateway” to actual pedophilia. And the worse part is I can’t let it go. My OCD keeps making me look things up and expose myself to hateful arguments on the subject. I guess what I’m really asking for is advice. Do you guys believe I am pedophile for not hating the content 100%? Has anyone been in a similar situation?TLDR; I used to watch shota hentai since I was 8 (no grooming), and at 18 realized watching that content wasn’t good for my OCD. I feel immensely guilty for my past, and also I feel guilty for not hating the content 100%, because I believe people should be free to do what they want in fiction. Am I still a pedophile? via /r/OCD https://ift.tt/2PCM3Ld

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