Changing habits

I was a mess a year ago. I worked as store security with 13-15 hour days. On the off days I usually woke up around 3PM and realised I missed my whole rest day. I spent the rest of my time just playing hentai games or jacking it to porn- ejaculating 5-6 times during the day. The job hurt my feet and the whole environment just made me paranoid about illnesses . I started feeling so anxious that I needed to go piss every 20-30 minutes otherwise I would feel like I'm about to soil myself. I quit in august since I have a high school education and deserve a better job. I took time off for a few months to get myself together. Just trying to live as cheap as I could with my last payment.​When I was home I realised that the place was a disgusting mess. Dishes in the kitchen sink that emitted a strong stink of mold when I lifted the plates. The toilet was completely yellow under the water even after flushing. Clothes just thrown across the bathroom floor. No room to move around in the living room. I admit I started feeling suicidal.​I left the conscripts at the start of 2017 as a 90kg man. After working at store security for half a year I was addicted to rum-cola and became 110kg. In February I joined the gym- went once, then just kept paying the membership fee for nothing. In May I somehow got into the gym lifestyle and lost 15kg in two weeks. After I quit my job I also quit the gym and found another cheaper one. I spent like two months just sitting at home completely in silence and I tried to revisit games, movies, anime which painted me into the person I was before. The emotions kind of started coming back to me. Once money started running out and I realised my fun time was up I managed to score a security job in a clean office building which feels private enough. They even have a water filter in the kitchen so I could have a bottle of clean water to drink throughout the day.​I managed to somewhat fix my eating habits. Less pastries and more chicken and eggs. The office I work at has a restoraunt which serves healthy food, so I eat small portions of breakfast and lunch there.When I had those gym days I noticed that I felt the insane desire to clean my apartment a bit. So I did chores and played more competitive games after.After I lost some weight I felt more confident looking at smaller size clothes at the store and some pieces of clothing that I had previously bought when I was in the three-number weight now are like huge blankets around me.I quit drinking and cigarettes. Switched to vaping and drinking water. Still taking a coffee from time to time.This week I decided no more fapping with porn on a screen. It's not exactly nofap but it's more of getting back in touch with my libido. When I relapsed on Saturday night I just laid in bed and closed my eyes. No noise, no music, just my own thoughts and fantasies which came naturally. The dopamine hit I got from it was on the level of some really hard drug. I felt high af. The relaxation was out of this world. Out of habit I did it again today but now my dick just hurts like insane and I couldn't sleep. Also I feel like taking a piss every 5 minutes again. I got work in a few hours so I'm scared how I'll manage. I'm taking this as a fucking hard reality check and I'll give my best to not relapse before Saturday. But thanks to less porn and more imagination I'm seeing more dreams about women now.​I felt the need to write something to you guys because 2018 was such a shitshow year for me and I'm finally starting to realize what it means to me to get my shit together. More importantly I'm starting to see how I'm climbing out of a world of sleepless nights, being drunk, smoking cigarettes by the pack, destroying my penis to amateur pornography, lack of self-respect, a shit body, horrid eating habits, lack of fluids, lack of exercise, lack of movement.​Somehow it came to me that as a physical person I'm weak, but my mentality has grown it's survival instinct and I'm on my way to save myself. Life has a shitton of stuff that I want to experience and make films out of. I'm not going to experience them if I'm just gonna sit on my ass and play games day to day. via /r/NoFap

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