Childhood sexual abuse led me to watch illegal porn.

When I was 7, I was molested by my babysitter's husband. He would take me to a dark corner and rub himself on me. This happened on multiple occasions until one day I told him to stay away from me -- he did. But out of fear, I told no one about the trauma for 14 years.When I was 8, I discovered porn. This became an addiction very quickly and by 4th grade, I was sneaking porn on the internet as frequently as I could. I watched porn in secret nearly every night throughout middle school. That part is fairly normal, despite being a girl.But my interests over time became more and more unusual, eventually taking a strange turn when I discovered hentai. Unbeknownst to me, I was searching for bigger orgasmic "highs", like a drug addict. It didn't matter that I wasn't actually into the weird things I saw, just that I was getting bigger and better orgasms.Cut to college and I'm watching very weird shit to get myself off while pretending to be a normal functioning human being. At one point I'm consuming footage of the most horrific, inexcusable acts a human can commit. This stuff still scars me, yet I got the most disgustingly intense orgasms from watching it, so I kept seeking it out. Eventually I failed out of college and had to take a break for a year.It has been 2 years since that lowest point. I don't watch porn anymore. I'm in school and counseling. I'm discovering my passions and severing my attachment to the past. But stuff like this still causes me to feel closed off from people, like I can never truly be myself. I've told 3 people about my actions and they accept me, but I fear there will be that one person I tell who never looks at me the same way again. This happened with my last counselor. I even fear someone will use this information against me in the future.People say I look "innocent". I won't lie, I'm a cute girl, kind of reserved but generally funny, smart, with some cool talents. But holding onto this secret makes me feel like a disgusting, perverted monster who should wither away and die in the shadows.People say "you don't have to tell anyone about it," but the more I keep it a secret, the more it eats me up inside. via /r/confession

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