I have a fetish and i hate myself because of it (CONFESSION)

(I ain't american so my english might be kinda bad)This is actually the first time i ever talk about this to anyone.So,i think i should start talking about myself.I am a 15 year old teenager that lives in the country side of Armenia.I go to school,have some friends and at first glance appear to be an overall typical, normal person.However,i actually kinda hate myself because of my sexual preferences,that are REALLY out of the ordinary.When i was around 8 years old i found out that if i "massaged" my penis when it was hard i would get a certain level of satisfaction out of it.I didn't knew what exactly i was doing,however i knew that i had to keep this act a secret.Around 2 years laters i found out what masturbation was and i started seeing that innocent act in a different way.Specially because of the situations in which i got a boner.Sometimes it happened at random, obviously, but it also happened quite frequently when in situations of humiliation or domination,involving either me or someone else (it may be important to note that i never felt sexual arousement by humiliating someone else, neither did i enjoyed in any way other than sexually the feeling of being humiliated,and quite frequently even that sort of enjoyement wasn't present).Some of the situations where things like "being defeated in a soccer match",but other things that got me turned on were more sexual.I remember that i used to get a boner when i saw t-bagging in video-games.And that led me to think that i was gay for some time.I believed so hard that i was homo that,when i was 11 years old,i actually tried to confess it to my parents.However,they tought i was just confussed and,quite frankly,i can't blame them.Now you might be thinking: "Well,you just like some domination stuff.What's so bad about it?"The problem isn't the stage i was in when i was 11.The real problem is how things escalated quickly...Just a few months later i stumbled upon something on the internet.It involved domination and all that crap but it also involved feet.And i got turned on by it.The funny thing is,it wasn't ACTUALLY porn.That's because it was a drawing of some sort with nothing explict on it.After that,i kept on with the "feet and domination" porn,until i found out something that combined both:MacrophiliaMacrophilia is defined as the "sexual attraction or general amazement involving giants".I know,it sound weird as fuck.And it IS weird as fuck.However,at least i can say it makes some sort of sense.I mean,there are few scenarios that involve more domination and a large power gap than a giant/tiny relationship.Macrophilia is not such a "obscure" fetish.There are actually a lot of fandoms about it on the internet.However,the fact that a certain amount of people also fap to it doesn't make it less weird.Now here's the thing about macrophilia:You basically can't make porn involving it.That's because of the obvious impossibility of this fetish.People can't grow themselves into massive sizes and people can't shrink.So,there are only two kinds of macro porn out there:The small amount of badly edited videos and pictures and the vast amount of drawings.Since the videos were so badly done (except maybe some POV videos that use perspective and angle tricks to give an impression that someone is larger or smaller than they acttually are) and the drawings were so abundant,i decided to usually fap to the later.Most of the porn was hentai (i mean, tecnically since there was nothing really pornographic in those pics it wasn't even porn).However,when i was around 13,i started to stumble upon the same pics over and over.Even tho i liked them and some of the artists were actually really talented,i started getting...bored.It was always the same images or stories over and over again and,after fapping to the same stuff for more than a year you start to look for something else,even if this thing crosses certain barriers that you would rather not to cross.Long story short, and also this is probably the most ridiculous and absurd thing some of you will hear today,i started to look at some (fuck my life)...furry macro pics.Now I AIN'T NO FURRY. I am not a part of the "community", i don't consider myself to be one of them, the idea of creating a fursona doesn't even cross my mind, go anywhere dressed up as a antropomorphic animal would be the cringiest act of my entire life, i would never pretend i am a animal for sexual arousement and i know most furries aren't into zoophilia,but i think it's important to say that i have a kitty and two dogs, and even the IDEA of fucking with them (or with any other animal) makes me wanna vomit because of how gross and seriously disturbing it is.I hate beating my meat to this shit. I hate it and also basically everything i fap to so much that sometimes i wish i was assexual.Furry shit is not ALL the content i watch (i still read some stories, watch some videos,look at some drawings and edited pics and use my imagination),however it most likely makes up to around 50% of what i fap to because of the absurd amount of images and scenario variations (seriously, there must be around 3 times more furry macro artwork than ALL of the other kind of macro stuff that you can find online combined) and because of the problems that i stated previously about the other medias.The fact that i masturbate to half-animal beings makes me wanna die.I see all these people online saying things like "if you ever felt attracted to something slightly furry you should be gassed and burn in hell" and all i can think is that they are right.I fell so ashamed whenever i masturbate to it but i just can't stop.Not for more than a week anyways.I don't know if i am currently addicted to masturbation,since even thought i masturbate around 3 times a day i am still a teenager and that is a commom amount for my age (i think).I am really insecure about my sexual life.I always feel like i am a piece of trash,that i have basically nothing to compensate for my sexual degeneracy and that if anyone saw what i look at while i masturbate that person would either never speak to me again or would ridicularize me forever.I am also insecure in more basic aspects of my life.That might be because i am a teenager,but i always feel like i am a coward,a narcissistic little bitch that deserves nothing that i have.I feel like i am the ugliest of my friends.The most annoying one,the weakest one and the most undesirable one.And when i am able to feel like i am the best at something,there is that little voice in the back of my head saying that i am a bitch that feels like i am better than i actually am.My family is high-middle class and i always feel like other people deserve more to be at my position than i do because i am lazy and ungrateful.The only thing i can brag about is my intellect.As stated earlier i am from a non-english speaking country,however at 15 years old i am basically fluent at this language.I have very high grades and would risk saying that i am smarter than the avarege adult.I know the IQ test is not such a good test to measure any kind of intelligence except the logical-mathematical one,but last year i got 128 on the test which is pretty good (specially in a third world country).But every time i try to boost my confidence thinking about this,thoughts emerge saying that i'm being too braggy,that i ain't as smart as i think i am and that i will end up accomplishing nothing with my mental abilities.I kinda think that maybe i have a domination fetish because of my insecurities,since supossedly i was very afraid of thinks that were not under my controll (such as my country getting into a war) when i was little.But another theory that i have is that i am really insecure because of this shitty fucking fetish of mine.So here's a summary of informations about myself that might be useful to clarify some things:•I was never sexually abused nor did i get involved in some sort of traumatic event except for the time that i got pneumonia when i was 2 and almost died because of respiratory failure. However i don't even remember this episode•I don't personaly know anyone else who has any sort of fetish•My parents do give me attention and i do get treated very well by them and basically the rest of my family•I think i am bissexual•I would say that i sexually enjoy domination and feet.Masks are also cool for some reason and even tho i like real human beings i can easily be attracted to drawings (i think it's because they are usually made to be more aesthetically pleasant)•Sometimes i fap to more usual and ordinary sex.Sometimes i force myself so i can "be preapered when i have actual sex" but other times i genuinely feel like it.However i basically never get turned on by watching vanilla sex•I have a lot of friends but i constantly feel like i am pretending to be someone else by acting as if i was straight and into vanilla sex•I have some crushes but usually my sexual fantasies with them involve my fetish.Idk why am i even posting this over here.Probably i just want someone to say that it's fine to like this kind of weird stuff.I always liked reddit (i have a main account for more than a year now) and it's easier to confess this things to people i don't know and will probably never meet.I am prepared to have people commenting thinks like "wtf kys fucking degenarete furry fetishist faggot" but i am more anxious about the comments of people actually trying to help.I don't know if i will like what i'll hear and this post might get zero comments but i really would like to get this shit off my chest.You that are reading this right now,i would just like to thank you and to apologise for my bad english and for the possibility that i offended you in any way.I know that i am a weirdo,but i really needed a place to confess that i am one.Thanks for the attention and i will most likely never use this throw away account ever again.However,I'll still read all the comments.Goodbye and i really hope this isn't as cringey as it looks like :/ via /r/sex http://bit.ly/2V7QfkY

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