I just started this no fap thing...


I’m new to reddit but I’ve been looking at these posts since July. I’m currently 20 years old, well I just turned 20 a few days ago. I’m a sophomore in college. And tbh I honestly didn’t know anything was wrong with beating my meat until the summer going into this school year. Ive been PMO since I was 13 but watching porn since I was 12. I’ve had not the most privileged life and got into lots of trouble as a kid. Coming into high school I switched my attitude to stay off the streets so In high school I’ve always been a cool kid, teachers fucked with me on grades, I didn’t show up to class and went to the mall etc. I have and still have numerous friends, everyone asked and asks me for advice, and I played football and I was in the orchestra. I thought my high school was GREAT. Girls definitely liked me for sure, I had “all the hoes”. However I didn’t realize little shit was hindering my life. For example, during ALL of my highschool and some of my middle school, ironically when I started beating my meat in the 7th grade I been sleeping at school chronically. Everyone also knew me as the kid that never stayed awake. I had sex with real girls and it was “cool” I guess. But I new something was missing. However tbh I never flat out “approached” women neither too. Every girl I messed with I became friends with first or the interacted with me. No cap Im a good looking guy. Anyway I thought it was an inflated sense of worth but then again it was insecurities. I slowly got a self bloated type of feeling to myself, like I was better than everyone which isn’t good nor true. This all culminated at the start of 2018 when I smoked so much weed with my niggas and I got HOCD. my tastes in porn also went from straight vanilla as a kid to gangbang shit, hentai, 3D, and even comics through the years. I realize now that weed just brought all the issues to the front instead of giving me the problems like I thought it did. Shit I knew it wasn’t me but my mind tricked me into it. At this point I got really depressed for like 2 weeks which was my first time ever in a state like this and this all happened a few days before second semester of freshman year. I talked to my mom with everything and even that. She has a background of addiction before me and is always understanding no matter what (she is such a great mom). She said it was not me and it was my “lifestyle” with porn but I thought, “my mom is a woman she doesn’t know about porn” and I dismissed it. At this time i also started “checking” to make sure I was straight (dumb asf I know) and luckily the lowest I stepped was I looked a gay porn for 5 secs but I realized that was not it for me. I mean for the longest I have had crushes on girls etc since I was a lil kid. The crazy thing is I’m all for gay rights and have nun against them. (People should be allowed to be happy) anyway, I went into second semester failed a class and made straight C’s. I also fucked myself up by girlfriend breaking up with me and after that one of the finest females to ever come to me or I’ve ever seen literally threw herself at me and I didn’t catch that shit. ­čĄŽ­čĆż‍♂️ Anyway fast forward to July I started messing with my girlfriend again and just let out with her. She was very supportive even down to the intrusive thoughts. And I started looking shit up on the internet, And at that point I started NOFAP. And the first time I had sex after 11 days of not beating my meat felt great. It felt so good that I beat my meat when I wasn’t having sex and basically tried to play the system. (Stupid I know) I found out it was the chaser effect. And going into sophomore year I was getting over HOCD a lot and I seeped back into beating my shit in my crib thinking I can finesse addiction. Anyway fast forward some months later my girlfriend who I’ve been with since start of junior year (on and off) told me some crazy shit. She told me that I’m not the same Dakota. I’m colder, meaner, and more callous to her. I realized that I’m like that when I beat my meat but Im not like that when I don’t do it. And coincidentally I started beating my shit all the time. That made me think I was narcissistic and I literally got scared that I wasn’t able to love anybody truly. (Of course after looking it up on Quora) Then I looked up porn effects with empathy and love and I realize it was PORN. Shit as a young black man that went through trouble and dead friends I thought that not feeling pain was good. I realized i beat my meat to cope with pain, boredom, and not thinking I was attractive enough which is stupid cause literally everybody says the opposite from girls to old women. That I was hard but now I realize that’s no way to live life and most importantly I want to become a better person BECAUSE of my girl but I want to become a better person FOR myself. Now that I gave y’all some background I’ve been on NOFAP for about 22-25 days, I honestly don’t know. And at first I started to get the urge to do a whole bunch of shit, I actually got myself out more, wanted to talk to women way more, held eye contact, stopped playing my game a whole lot studied way more even though it was kinda late but just in time for finals. I notice a whole bunch of signals for women looking now, staring, trying to flirt, when before I let that shit slide, I noticed when they start trying to flirt, and I noticed the beauty in girls I would see everyday that I never noticed. I thought it was weird the first 9-12 days. I also realized what I’ve been missing is intimacy with my girl and I want to fall in love with her again, and I started to play back a whole bunch of shit i fucked up that I’m now noticing with women but also life. The crimes I committed as a kid, my parents, family, and females I missed out on or did wrong. Right now I’m not really depressed like how some describe the flatline but my dick is basically faneto and dead with a lil life here nor there. I woke up the other day with pain in my arm, I was also extremely tired for like 5 days straight. I was also happier, I cried, etc. I started enjoying music more though. I actually went to the gym too. But I realize this will pass soon too. I’m committed to this shit for a lifetime not just 90 days or 45 or 30 days because it really makes a difference. I know this was long but I’m happy I got in front of this shit before my life truly started and I can still control and have hella shit in front of me. I’m only still a sophomore in college so my life is still just beginning. I’m not really regretful of high school but I wish I did start this shit in the 10th grade or so ­čśé.Shit my bad for the length and patchiness of the storytelling but I just had to get it out for others who need some motivation etc. via /r/NoFap http://bit.ly/2EDX5ZR

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