Struggling with this addiction


I’m going through a challenging time in my life right now. I know the solution to this challenge but I struggle with an addiction to porn. This addiction has been going on for almost 5 and a half years. Im about to turn 24 next month and am disgusted at myself for not kicking this addiction after this long. I feel that as I got further addicted to porn it led me to other addictions first marijuana and now alcohol (I’ll go further into detail on these). I’m going to share with you the story leading up to where I am now.I don’t remember the first time I was exposed to porn but I can estimate it was either when I was 10 or 11. At first I thought it was so strange but yet so exciting. I never had a problem with addiction then, at the time I was just curious and exploring. I knew and understood what masturbating was at the time I just never actually knew how to pleasure myself to where it got exciting enough to orgasm. There would be times I tried and experimented with lotion but I never got the pleasuring experience. This was basically due to the fact I didn’t know what the hell I was doing with my dick. Pretty much this how my nights would go with porn in my early years. I’d just go and look at content online but never actually do anything. I always got hard but didn’t actually know how to finish. This pretty much went on until my late senior year in high school (I know it’s crazy). I wouldn’t do this every night by the way, this was like a once every 3 or 4 month type thing sometimes longer. When I was in high school I was never in a relationship and never had one previously in my life at this point. I was excited quite frequently in high school being around so many attractive girls at the time. I never knew how to strike up a conversation with someone I liked or how to get in a relationship with someone. Due to this issue I just remained single and figured that I have so much of a life to live I won’t have to worry. It was at this time also when I started to taking screenshots on Instagram, Twitter and the like of girls I went to school with. Sometimes the pictures they would post would be very sexy and get me excited instantly. They would mostly be photos of them with clothes on sometimes with a bikini. The poses would consist of mirror selfies, showing their ass in a sexy way or they could just be smiling. If it was sexy in my eyes and it could get me hard I was taking a screenshot for myself. I would add these photos to my external hard drive. I never viewed this as an issue because the time I started doing this was when I was 16 and I was the same age as the girls I went to school with. I figured that if they posted it on social media then it basically was for everyone to view. I just kept the photos and would occasionally look at the photos as with others I saved from the internet typically porn stars, hentai manga, and hentai pictures. I was very good with computers at this point in time. I still didn’t properly know how to masturbate yet. Eventually I just figured my own hand didn’t give me the pleasure I was looking for. After I graduated high school are when things really started to change. At this point in my life I was still a virgin and never have been in a relationship. I had tried marijuana in my junior year in the form of an edible and it was a great experience (Sorry to get off topic but I’m trying to layout as much detail as possible). Once I graduated high school I was starting to become more concerned about my inability to ejaculate. I started doing research online for sex toys since my hand wasn’t providing the pleasure I desired. I was interested in the sex dolls at the time but couldn’t afford it at the time and I also lived with my parents. I settled with getting a pocket pussy. The day I got it as it was delivered to my house I was extremely excited to masturbate and orgasm for once. I remember clear as day my first time ejaculating. I watched a hentai video that I fancied. Once I finished to completion I believe was the time I got hooked on that release. That night I remember doing this 4 times and was disappointed I couldn’t continue. This basically went on religiously nearly everyday and I mean literally every day. Overtime I would still screenshot pictures on social media of girls that I went to school with that I deemed was worthy to be in my collection. At this time in my life I would still go out and do normal things in my life. Go to college, work, gym and hangout with friends. My addiction never left my bedroom. This will now begin with my problem with marijuana. One night I hung out with a group of friends we eventually were smoking weed. This was my second experience with weed since high school. I never had a problem with weed I enjoyed it. Once I went home from my friends I went straight up to my room ready to masturbate once again. When I began I noticed I enjoyed the experience way more than I did when I was sober. I don’t know what it was but to simply put it my orgasms were just so much more intense. I remember masturbating at least 4 that night. I was surprised at myself because I knew that since I was doing this every day I could only do it 2 times then I couldn’t get hard anymore. Having this experience made me begin purchasing weed from my friend (Btw throughout my life I never had an issue with drugs or anything whatsoever). My goal at this point was just to strive to achieve that perfect orgasm that I got from weed. I understand people smoke weed for various reasons and I do understand that it has great benefits for people. I just know for myself I was only smoking weed just to get to that feeling I felt when I was masturbating. That was it nothing more nothing less, just that and that alone. I was 18 at this point in my life and I would continue this DAILY cycle until I was mid 20 years old. Now to be honest I’d say throughout this amount of time I’d say I probably didn’t masturbate 2 3 weeks out of that period of time and this is being generous. I think it was as low as a week. When I say I do this religiously I seriously mean it. The times I did masturbate I was always high most of the time. Let’s just say if you caught me masturbating during this amount of time I would be more than likely high. I hardly ever saw my friends when I was 19 because of this habit. It eventually came to the point when I would smoke in my room not caring about the consequences from my parents anymore. They never did anything anyway but I knew they knew I was smoking. It was also at this time I began getting an interest into sexual stories. I would basically read a story that I liked and in my head imagine myself as a character I wanted to be while looking at pictures I took screenshots of girls I went to school with to place them in that scenario of a story (I hope this makes sense). Once I was 20 years old I realized I wasn’t getting promoted at the job I was at (grocery store). I also was getting an interest in joining the US Army. I knew that I had to give up smoking weed and would have to do something about my masturbation. Believe me it was hard not smoking. I tried to masturbate sober and I hated it, it just didn’t feel the same. I never got that excitement that I got from smoking weed. Eventually I kicked the habit of smoking weed and switched to alcohol as a substitute. It still wasn’t the same but I did get excited on orgasm from it. To me being drunk while masturbating was much better than being sober masturbating. When I drank I drank nearly everyday at home to keep up with my masturbating. Eventually I ended up signing the contract to join the US army once I got the thc out of my body from the 2 years of smoking weed. I was actually happy when I was going to Basic Training. I was happy because I felt that this could be my chance to stop masturbating and my substance abuse. However it didn’t go as planned around the middle of being at Basic Training I found an opportunity to masturbate in the stalls in the middle of the night. It was different doing in this setting and not in the comfort of my room. Especially since I had to rely on my thoughts instead of an actual digital picture since I was in Basic Training. This was what I relied on at Basic Training to quench my sexual hunger. I finally graduate Basic Training and go over to a different base on the east coast for AIT Training to learn my job. While I was over here it was very frustrating to masturbate since I was in a room with 3 other people now. I still found a way though. I just brought my phone into an only bathroom that I shared with the 2 others and just had the shower on as I finished. Overtime I began to crave the feeling of being drunk while I masturbated. Eventually I discovered the feeling of drinking energy drinks, 5 hour energy and coffee. I used these products to help in that department since I couldn’t have alcohol during training. I remember one time I drank 2 cans of Monster energy drinks to get some type of high while I masturbated. It helped but it felt nothing like alcohol. This is how it pretty much went here during training. It wasn’t like this everyday due to the fact that I had roommates. When I did find time though I was going for it. Once graduating AIT I went and visited home for a bit. My family was proud of me and my accomplishments. I was very glad to be home. During my first day back at home I used this time to purchase another pocket pussy since I tossed mine out before I left for Basic Training. When I found time I ended up masturbating once again in my room drunk. I would go to the store buy some whiskey and take it back home. Sometimes I would get Dr Pepper or Coke, other times I’d drink it straight from the bottle. During the whole time I was home I was drinking every night just for this feeling I craved when I orgasm. I made sure to keep things hidden from my parents so they wouldn’t know. My vacation time was now over so I went over to my first duty station in Colorado. Once I got there I was placed in a temporary housing unit before I could go to my official barracks room. While I was here I once again had a roommate. I was very disappointed by this but I still found a way to have my alone time. I ended up using the stalls in the public bathroom that were there to have my fun. I couldn’t drink in this building at the time (military rules). To help with this problem I just drank energy drinks or iced coffee to get me some kind of high while I masturbated. Once checking in to my unit I was now in my official barracks room. I had a roommate but we were both in out separately owned rooms and we just shared the kitchen and bathroom. When I was stationed over in Colorado I literally drank and masturbated damn near everyday without fail. If I got off of work and I had nothing to drink in my room I went right over to the store to grab my whiskey and coke before I went to my room. I would do the same thing if I didn’t have any lube. The only time I didn’t drink was when I was out in the field training. Typically when your in the field training you are out there for 2 weeks straight. When I was out there though I’d find sometime masturbate. It got so crazy to where my body eventually was able to condition itself to waking up hungover from drinking half a bottle of Jim Bean and forming up to run 6 miles for the morning. I did this literally every single day Monday through Sunday unless if I was in the field training. There eventually came a time when I was talking with someone back from my home state. When I came to visit we eventually had sex. I must say the experience was nothing compared to when I masturbate. I don’t know what it was it just didn’t excite me. She was very attractive and had an amazing personality. I just didn’t like it actual sex it wasn’t the same. When I had sex with her for the first time I never ejaculated I just said I did so I could stop having sex. I wasn’t into it and I kept going soft inside her. Once time went on we didn’t stay in touch anymore and I haven’t talked to her since. She was the first person I had sex with in my life. I eventually went overseas for 9 months over in Poland. I went to several Eastern European countries and it was a great experience. When I was over in Europe I didn’t drink for 3 weeks but only because we just got there and had to get settled. I happened to come across some soldiers who found a way to sneak some alcohol into the base. They went to a gas station purchased a tall plastic water bottle and a tall bottle of Krupnik vodka go into the bathroom empty the water bottle and pour the vodka inside the plastic water bottle. I used this idea to have a continuous supply of alcohol during my 9 months in Europe. Once figuring out this idea I would go either go into the stall, porter potties or in my own bed and masturbate while drunk sometimes even having to wake up for work at 6am. I would do this every single day while I was in Europe. I didn’t have a pocket pussy at this time so I resorted to using my hand. I was surprised when I finally could pleasure myself with my own hand. I figure I just learned from the years of constant masturbation. My time in Europe likely was the time I drank the most. We never went to the field to train while I was overseas we mostly did driving missions to several countries dropping things off. If we weren’t on mission we were just in the barracks doing whatever to pass the time. I never bothered talking to any of the locals out there. They were beautiful women I just felt that it was pointless since I was going back to the states soon. Once I came back to the states, I started my cycle again after a 2 day break due to the flight and the process of getting my barracks room again. At this point in time my collection of screenshots, gifs, pornstar photos and downloaded videos was pretty huge at the time. For some reason when I went to plug in my external hard drive it wouldn’t work. Not gonna I was panicking. This was years worth of collecting screenshots that could never be recovered. In the end I lost some but not all of my collection. I accepted the fact and moved on. I’m going to speed this up but from then until now. This has been the regular schedule for me. Everyday after work I have an urge to masturbate but only when I’m intoxicated with alcohol. I tried to do it today sober and it was horrible. It’s just not the same, I don’t have that feeling I get when I’m on alcohol. I know that this needs to stop. I can hear a small voice in my mind that is telling me that there is no way I can continue living like this. Eventually my alcoholism will catch up to me and I’m scared but I can’t beat the urge it’s just to much. The longest I’ve gone willingly (meaning: no forced field training) is 3 days and I relapse. I thought about deleting my collection or destroying the hard drive but I can’t get myself to do it. It’s years worth of collecting. I still as of right now haven’t been in a relationship before. It doesn’t bother me much I know I’ll find someone later on in my life. Right now I’m just focused on myself. I’m trying to get my BS in political science before I leave the military in 2021. From there I want to go on to law school. I want to be the kind of man that my future children are proud of and can look up to. That man can’t have these challenges plaguing him when that time comes. Guys I just made this reddit for this confession. I’ve never shared this with anyone before. Right now I’m just struggling and can really use some help. via /r/NoFap https://ift.tt/2RXzE1k

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